Being delusion is seeing something that’s not there (duhhh) but when it comes to relationships there are probably a million ways to see (want to see) things that are simply not there. We lie to ourselves thinking that the other person will change for us. We lie to ourselves thinking the relationship will get better when it really won’t and we even lie to ourselves since the beginning, when we start falling. Here is my story:
From a guy’s perspective (okay, I know there’s a whole gender revolution going on but for the sake of this post let’s keep it simple for now), the whole process of getting to know someone is nothing new to us. We see someone we like, we identify some sort of evidence that we’ll get along and we go for it. Perhaps I’m generalizing? Each in our own style, right? Anyway, if you’re someone like me, someone that loves seeing signs as evidence that something is “meant to be” it’s really easy to get yourself caught up in a rut where things just simply aren’t what they seem (I swear I was seeing things). And it can get real fucked up if you can’t manage to find yourself again. At some point, you are going to have to face up to the truth.
Anyway, this exact thing happened to me when I had just returned from a 10-day silent retreat in the North of Thailand. Epic timing I know. Let me just add. Like most of us, I am/was always hoping that I would find the love of my life and have those happily ever after stories, one day looking back and smiling at the lonely days. When people would ask: “How is it that you guys met? We would proceed to tell an epic story of how it all went down. And that is exactly what happened. It went down, burning, in flames, dead, no reason to live. The pain! Nooo! (Can’t blame a guy for trying ha-ha)
The story goes:
Just after finishing the 10 day retreat as previously mentioned I met a girl, and not just any girl, a girl from my home country, South-Africa. She was the first South-African I’ve met in my first two weeks of arriving in Thailand. I didn’t think much of it then, I just thought “Oh well… just a coincidental South-African passing through.” What I soon found out was that not only did she come from South-Africa she also came from the same town, same area and same street I would pass on the way to town since living there.
Needless to say. We immediately clicked. The first 5 second we connected and stood in each other’s presence really had me on the edge of my seat. Reality was folding in and around us(okay, perhaps just me), it was truly magical or perhaps just a bullshit coincidence (although I wasn’t thinking this at the time). Here I was on the other side of the world meeting a girl that, back home, was living so close to me all this time. I even recalled how one of my friends use to say “Joubert, you should meet this girl. She’s awesome. The two of you will get along really well.” With so many signs and coincidences bursting at the scene, I was toast.
Long story short. As soon as she got to know me she slowly started backing out of this whole love attraction that soon took place. Perhaps I was too spiritual, maybe it was the way I laughed? Fuck, maybe I stank that evening? I don’t know, ha-ha! Anyway, I remember insisting on believing my inner voice telling me she wasn’t interested the way I was. I didn’t believe it. I mean the story was just too beautiful to just throw away. And that’s what I probably should’ve done too. Yet I persisted. I was in denial. Even with the truth in the air, I was living a separate reality. A dream like state that was separate from her reality, at least until some extent. How much I don’t know.
And then I snapped out of it, well… partially. I knew exactly what was going on (that she had withdrawn) but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to face up to this painful truth. An inner conflict was raging inside of me. I didn’t know what to believe. So, I owed it to myself to find out. I needed to know so I went for it. I kissed her and it’s with that kiss that I snapped out of it (FOR REAL). She wasn’t into me. So, I told her “I’ll flow away now. I’m sorry.” And so, I did.
When the tables turned:
About 8 month later the tables turned and the exact same thing happened to me. I met a girl living in my apartment building. We saw each other about once a week and gradually got to know each other. As I got to know her, I too decided that this wasn’t going to work. It just didn’t feel right. So, I backed out of the relationship and stopped sending mental invitations that I was attracted to her. Still she persisted, just like I once did.
I could feel her still sitting in the relationship boat we’ve created yet I was long gone. One day, as I was about to tell her that I wasn’t interested, I realized that perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I was just imagining things again, seeing shit that wasn’t there as I did 8 months ago, and if I were to confront her about it I would probably create something that was possibly never even there in the first place and thus maybe fuck up a perfectly good friendship. So, I didn’t. At this point I really started to see things from the girl I met at the backpacker’s perspective. I felt like such an idiot.
As time went by it just got worse. Every time I was in her presence (still hoping she’ll realize that I wasn’t into her) I could feel, the same way I too once searched for hope in a same desperate manner. Trying to find those signs. She was watching my every move, trying to find anything that corresponds to her reality. And then she broke the news. (I was at the same backpacker when she se told this to me via technology, I fuck I only realize this now). She told me how she felt and I was right. She actually was into me and I wasn’t delusional this time. (Thank God!)
By experiencing this second love interest, I learned A LOT and could finally understand where the previous girl was coming from. I found it much easier to forgive her over time and as soon as I finally did a lot of insight came through that I’d love to share in this next post. Someone else was watching all this time and it wasn’t who I thought it would be.
Thank you for reading my story. Perhaps something similar happened to you? Perhaps your story is even more trippy than mine? In either cases please do share it in the comments below or email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org